Do You Have To Be Coupled To Give Good Dating Advice?

AA046999“Why should I take dating advice from you? You’re single.”

This is a comeback I’ve heard many times for the six years I’ve been writing my advice column, And That’s Why You’re Single.  Apparently, in order for a woman who writes about dating to be taken seriously, she needs to have a man to trot out or cite as evidence that she knows of what she speaks.

My answer to this pointed question is quite succinct. I don’t need a man in my life in order to practice common sense and critical thinking. People throw the fact that I’m single (as far as they know) in my face to try and discredit me.  This one query reveals quite a bit about the person posing it. Namely, that they consider a woman’s ideas and opinions invalid unless she has a man by her side to validate them.

This question isn’t really a question. It’s an attempt to minimize my thoughts. The point of the inquiry is to shame me. Apparently, a woman who isn’t constantly looking for excuses to talk about her relationship is considered suspect.  [Read more...]


The (Gay) Marriage Choice

I have a question: Does anyone really care why total strangers choose to get married? I feel like I know the answer to this one—it’s a big resounding no.

Recently I read a statement about commitment posted on Facebook that really resonated with me. It said, “Commitment is doing the thing you said you would do long after the mood you said it in has left you.”

In light of the recent arguments heard by the Supreme Court to overturn DOMA and Proposition 8, it seemed fitting to remind people that at the end of the day, marriage is a choice. The idea of partnering with another human being and sharing your life with theirs is not an involuntary action. While I deeply believe that love is not a choice, the decision to commit to that love is.

I have a second question: Even if  (and please note the emphasis on “if”) being gay was a choice, how would it seriously impact marriage? I think we all know the answer to this one, too.

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Leaning In to Rethink Marriage

After an initial rage of criticism, Sheryl Sandberg has steadily gained ground in both feminist and corporate circles. Lean In has been reviewed from every possible angle, and the book is actually a good, quick, entertaining, informative, and sometimes shocking read, which I highly recommend – but yet another review is not what you are waiting for. Instead, it’s time we tackle that other aspect of the dreaded term “work-life-balance.” Forgoing the temptation to criticize this strange terminology, as if work is not inherently part of life rather than juxtaposed to it (a point indeed made in Lean In), let’s focus on family life for a bit. And when it comes to gender issues, that automatically means the central role society assigns to marriage and motherhood, more than anything else, in the lives of women.

With discussions going on and on about equal marriage rights in the United States, a letter by “Princeton Mom” (and alumna) Susan Patton urging female college students to look for a husband while in university, and a recently posted CNN article about American couples living together without being married (shocking!), it is clear that marriage in the United States is still viewed as a sacred tradition and a number one priority – for women.

I have followed the arguments with a growing sense of discomfort – not to say downright shock. Time for some common sense.

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What I Learned from Being ‘Gay Married’

Image by Dreamstime

Last July, my boyfriend Jesse and I moved in together. The next day, we went to New York City Hall and got “gay married” — that is, we became (heterosexual) domestic partners. We’re among the many straight couples who have become legally linked, mostly for health insurance and other practical reasons, since domestic partnership became an option in several states as the closest alternative to marriage for gay couples. Now that the Supreme Court is debating the legalities of full-fledged gay marriage, we’re also pondering whether we’ll “have to” get hitched to maintain our benefits, should national marriage equality become a reality. In fact, we know one couple who already got married after losing their health insurance coverage once New York legalized same-sex marriage.

 

Of course, we’re unequivocally in favor of marriage equality. But this lower “level” of commitment has been worth something in its own right to us — not just for the health benefits, but for the ways it helped us see exactly what we wanted from our relationship.

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I Didn’t Get Married, But I Changed My Name

During a certain period of my life, the realizations that I could not marry this person came at me so often that I took to ignoring them. Among them was the time my fiancé seemed shocked that I wouldn’t be taking his name upon wedding him the following fall. Why on earth, I asked him, would I do anything of the sort? I had been a professional writer for about ten years at that point. I had amassed hundreds of bylines as “Jennifer Armstrong.” Not that I was some massively famous writer — most of those bylines were in local newspapers like The Daily Pilot and The Daily Southtown, or in the home décor trade magazines I’d spent a particularly odd year editing, Residential Lighting and Accessory Merchandising.

But by this point I was also an editorial assistant at Entertainment Weekly, a national magazine, and I had written several feature stories there. I had no intention of disappearing into his identity and starting anew as a journalist so that no one who had ever known me in my previous 30 years on earth would think, upon encountering my byline on an article about Jessica Simpson, “Hmm, I wonder if that’s the Jennifer Armstrong I knew in college …” or whatever. I wanted that moment, even if I’d never know about it. Plus Facebook was happening, so it was only a matter of time before I more often than not did know about it.

And so it was that “changing my name” went on our list of unresolved issues along with “having babies soon” and “moving farther into New Jersey” and, for that matter, “committing to each other for life.” Those issues were eventually resolved by the cancellation of our wedding and my move to a studio apartment in New York’s East Village.

 

But my attachment to my name went beyond my lack of desire to commit to this one man, or to any man, at that time. I had, perhaps, put more thought into my name than I had into my mate, in a way. I’d gone along with my college sweetheart onto the marriage track with no resistance, figuring this was just what people did. I followed him to Southern California after college with nary a shrug.

I did, however, take the time to agonize over my name: As I began my journalism career, I made a commitment. I would no longer be Jenny Armstrong, as I was in childhood. I would not be Jen Armstrong, as I was in college. I would be Jennifer Armstrong. This was my best shot at retaining my identity but becoming a new, grownup version of the Jenny we once knew.

Clearly I hadn’t paid as much attention to my relationship, even though I stayed in it for another eight years past graduation. Once I left my engagement, I finally grew into the Jennifer Armstrong I’d hoped to be: independent, dating, making like-minded literary friends, concentrating on my career.

I swore, for entirely different reasons now, that I would never, ever change my name. It was a good name! A strong name. My name. The name with which I earned enough money to pay for my own apartment and furnish it alone. I completely agreed with all the reasons Jill Filipovic gave for sticking with her (admittedly difficult) given name in a recent Guardian piece that reignited the age-old debate. In fact, I still do agree, to a certain extent: There’s still nothing feminist about 90 percent of married women taking their husbands’ names. But I’ve recently stumbled upon the joy of being able to change the identity you present to the public, a “joy” that patriarchy all but forces on married women and denies all men.

Why would I ever want to change my strong, simple, Anglo name?

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Sexy Feminism Excerpt: Compromise in Marriage Doesn’t Mean Throwing Out Feminism

To celebrate the publication of our book, Sexy Feminism, we’ll be sharing some short excerpts of it with you, the readers who helped make this book possible! Here, a portion of our chapter, “Feminist Relationships: From Long-Term to Life-Long Partnership.” 

I have some confessions: I make dinner for my husband, I added his name to mine (no hyphen), and I am the primary caregiver for our son. And, yes, I am a feminist in a feminist-leaning marriage. What does that mean? It means real life sometimes doesn’t allow for a perfect combination of empowerment and responsibility. It’s a relationship that requires compromise—sometimes more difficult than you’d ever imagined—to make things work. As is the case for so many heterosexual couples, my husband makes more money than I do, works in an industry that demands more of his time outside of the home, and carries fewer of the domestic responsibilities. But we make it work, feminism intact. Here’s what I learned from some of my own compromises:

Feminists make dinner too—even if we don’t like to. I am a domestic goddess of the most reluctant variety. When I lived alone, I used my refrigerator to store beauty products and never once turned on my oven. Now that I’m married and a mom, grabbing sushi and smoothies are not practical options. There are three of us who need to eat, and I have chosen to take on the responsibility of making sure we eat well.

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How to Have a Feminist Valentine’s Day

The incessant marketing would lead you to believe that Valentine’s Day is about romance and love. But it creates more anxiety for couples and singles alike than any other holiday. So, here’s a refresher on how to survive V-Day, feminism (and self-esteem) in tact:

Don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day, celebrate the love in your life. This could mean the person you’re with, of course, but it could also mean your best friend, your mom, or your dog. Those who give you support, kindness, an always-there shoulder to cry on, and even tail-wagging every time you enter the room deserve to know how much you care for them more often than one day a year. And that goes double for the person with whom you’re partnered.

Reject all forms of consumerism tied into this holiday. Not only does no one even need chocolate, roses or jewelry, but supporting these industries this time of year further propogates the idea that coupled love is the only kind of love that matters—and that women should be the ones receiving these trinkets for their service as lovers to men.

Stop watching The Bachelor. Reality television that casts women as desperate for love and willing to do anything to “win” a man—as if it were the ultimate accomplishment a woman could ever make in her lifetime—are bad for feminism and also just bad.

Support the real V-day. It began as a play about vaginas and has turned into one of the biggest social movements to end violence against women through education and political activism. More than a billion women experience violence every day around the world. Doing something about that—even something as simple as signing the petition here, or joining the Twitter conversation, here—is an act of love even Cupid couldn’t conjure.


Feminist Dating Resolutions for the New Year

Look, we’re not going to tell you how to date, who to date or that you even need to date. But if you’re looking for love, it’s worth looking for it in the right places—and going about it the right way. Here are some  ideas to consider for the New Year.

By Kristin Tschannen

Listen for Real Compliments. Start paying attention to what a potential love interest is really saying. There is a significant difference between a pick up line and an authentic compliment or question. Any lover you are considering bringing into your life should want to know the real you. He or she will admire your zest for life or your passion for travel; your family and the things that are important to you and make you smile.

Don’t Male Bash. Straight women, say it with us: Men are not the enemy! Leave your past disappointments and negative, preconceived notions about men and dating in 2012. It’s not only counterproductive to your efforts, but its downright unfeminist. We need men on our sides—in the board room and the bedroom—to make the kind of progress we still need to make. Start the New Year with a positive outlook in love.

Set Standards that Matter. Throw tall, dark, and handsome out the window and call in smart, funny, and spontaneous or any qualities you deem important in a potential love interest. Seek fit and a chemistry that keeps you buzzing. Date men who understand what it means to be a feminist woman and one who isn’t afraid of letting you know he’s a feminist man. Date men who have no problem talking to you about sex and are mature enough to have open communication and want an equal partnership. Then hold up a mirror and make sure you’re following the same standards.

Stay Single If You Want to Stay Single. Tons of alone time, a schedule beholden to no one, and the freedom to be as selfish as you want to be doesn’t exactly suck—especially if a little “me” time is what you really need right now. The New Year is a great time to start focusing on your relationship with You. You can surround yourself with people who really stoke your fire and who you can focus on having fun with. This is the time in your life to travel and have adventures and meet new people (see how non-sucky this is?). Don’t put expectations on your relationships with people; let them unfold naturally and enjoy it!


Ruminations from the Frontlines of Infertility: How Paul Ryan’s Anti-Choice Policies Could Outlaw Some Couples’ Quests to Conceive

It may take a while, the doctors cautioned us, when we looked for help having a baby.

I’d figured that, to be honest. It had taken me a while to want a baby, after all.

My husband and I got married when he was 26 and I was 22. Both writers and designers, we wanted to establish our own place in the world, create the outlines of a relatively stable life, before adding any other people to it. We got jobs and settled in Chicago, bought a vintage condo, and started stripping woodwork.

Most parents of my acquaintance at that point weren’t exactly walking advertisements for joining the life. They complained about their kids, or admitted they’d had them too young, or had too many. They talked about how they had no money, no time, no fun of their own. It wasn’t an effective sales pitch. My husband and I were happy together, working hard, and young.

Shortly after I turned 28, I felt sad when finding out a college friend was pregnant, instead of sighing in relief that it wasn’t me. About a year after that I noticed that I was wanting to snatch babies in stores and cuddle them with great force. We got to know parents who took visible joy in their children, children who became part of our lives as well. My husband and I started talking. Stupider people than us had had kids. We knew lots of people who could hardly walk and breathe at the same time, and they’d reproduced successfully. How hard could it be?

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Study Finds Ladies’ ‘Cold Feet’ Predict Divorce

I can’t say it enough: “Cold feet” are not a harmless nuisance shake off as you barrel down the aisle toward your tulle-filled fantasy wedding. They are, in fact, a real indicator that something is wrong, as I learned when I cancelled my nuptials in the nick of time. And a new study backs me up: In the first scientific inquiry into whether pre-marital doubts lead to divorce, UCLA researchers found that, basically, they do. Jitters, especially among women, led to both higher divorce rates and less self-reported satisfaction.

“People think everybody has premarital doubts and you don’t have to worry about them,” said lead author Justin Lavner. “We found they are common but not benign.” I can’t tell you how thrilled I am to see someone taking this seriously. Our society, despite many advances in thinking about dating and marriage, still pushes heterosexual marriage as the only respectable way to live—nay, as one of the major signs of “winning” in life, especially for women. When I first started whispering my doubts to close friends and family, I heard it over and over: This is normal. Everyone has jitters. Ignore them and order this cake. But in this study of 464 newlyweds, women who had doubts before marriage were 2.5 times more likely to be divorced four years later. Women were less likely to have doubts, but theirs were more accurate in predicting the marriage’s dissolution. As study coauthor Thomas Bradbury said, “Do you think the doubts will go away when you have a mortgage and two kids? Don’t count on that.”

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