Sexy Feminists Read: ‘Much Ado About Loving’

Because the real experts on love have been around for a while! There’s a reason why great novels are embraced generation after generation; it’s because their insights ring true through the decades and centuries. The great novelists are so great because of the timeless lessons they impart. There’s plenty we moderns can learn from them.

What’s your favorite “lesson” you learned in writing this book?

The lessons I describe in my chapters are ones I’d learned already–that’s why I wanted to write about them! But my co-author, Jack, has a great chapter called Scorin’ Piece: Tolstoy’s Surefire Way to Be Wanted by Everyone. In it, he writes that it’s possible to be seriously alluring–even if you’re not especially beautiful or intelligent or successful. The key? Simply being “present,” to put it in modern terms. The main female character in War & Peace, Natasha, is always deeply engaged in whatever moment she in, deeply interested in whatever person she comes across. Tolstoy describes Natasha by saying she was “not enamored of anyone in particular, but of everyone. She was in love with everyone on whom her eyes happened to fall for that moment.” Doesn’t she sound lovely? So the trick, for all of us, is to be more Natasha-like. Be full of joie de vivre and people will turn to you–”like crocuses rising up to the sun,” as Jack puts it. He ends that chapter by saying, “When you are joyful, when you say yes to life and have fun and project positivity all around you, you become a sun in the center of every constellation, and people want to be near you.”

Between writing this book and blogging, you must have a pretty good sense of the state of modern relationships. What are the biggest problems most of us face today, in your experience?

I think a lot of modern women feel that they should push themselves to be the alpha in dating situations, because, hey, isn’t that one of the great things feminism has allowed us to do? To take the lead if we feel like it? But I think that often, with feminism in mind, we sometimes push ourselves into doing things we’re not necessarily all that comfortable with. And that can make for some confusing or demoralizing experiences. I think we need to realize it’s okay NOT to push ourselves into, say, following up with a guy if we’re getting mixed signals from him. It doesn’t make us weak-willed or wimpy if we don’t. We might simply be picking up on indicators of ambivalence. If we don’t feel like it, we don’t have to! That’s not to say I think there’s anything wrong with women charging ahead and calling the shots–or demanding some kind of answer in an ambiguous situation. But depending on your personality type, it may be more empowering, in a way, to tell yourself, “I’m going to hold out for a situation where I’m being treated like I want to be treated”–even if the treatment is that you want is to be pursued.

Are we in some ways better off than the days of Pride and Prejudice or Gatsby? How?

You know, I read those Jane Austen books, or Fitzgerald’s classics, and part of me thinks, “Man, those chicks had it so easy! All the dating rules were so much clearer back then! Now it’s anyone’s guess as to who’s supposed to make the next move, how you’re supposed to deal when the check comes, and whether a dude wants to have babies with you or just wants to get into your pants.” All the same, there was plenty of confusion for those ladies too; Jane Austen’s characters were awaiting notes from their footmen just as anxiously as we check our emails to see if there’s any news from our new love interests, for instance. Are we better off now? When I think of a book like Middlemarch, I think we absolutely are. Unlike Dorothea, the heroine of that George Eliot masterpiece, we’d never feel like we have to marry an intellectual just so people would take us seriously and we could do important work.

Do you think it’s better to look to novels for inspiration in love than, say, relationship advice books? Why or why not?

Absolutely–that’s why we wrote this book! Which is, of course, a relationship advice guide. But it’s one that comes with the wisdom of the ages; with insights that have been shown to be true over the course of many, many years. Great novels have a lot more staying power than the average self-help volume.

You cowrote this book with a guy, Jack Murnighan. How did that effect your perspective?

I’d say one of the biggest things I learned from Jack is that–as he explains in his chapter called “Infinite Gesticulating: Why Do Men Talk So Much?”–when you’re on a date with a guy and he’s not letting you get a word in edgewise, it’s not necessarily because he thinks you’re boring. It’s not even that he’s a blowhard. It could just be that he’s nervous, and he’s running at the mouth because he wants to impress you. Keeping that in mind has helped make me forgiving (and less offended!) on first dates.